Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I’m about to risk it all
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”