Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
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me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]