Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
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I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Liquor Store Parking
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one