Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
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If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
me hooking up with my ex
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.