I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
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The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
can’t believe I got front row seats
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late