Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
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Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats