@AskAuntieEm1: Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
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@AlexRogaski: The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
@TheMichaelRock: Me: If I have $45 and your mother has $15, how much money does your mom have? 6yo: $60 Me: That's correct, son.
@leslid79: 32. Never married. No children. nnI'm the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.
@DiamondLou69: I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap... ...I told her it wasn't necessary because I had one earlier today.