Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
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I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)