“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
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A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
B
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.