I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
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Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.