Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
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A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
My dad.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.