[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
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Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Trains are just sideway elevators.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.