[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
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Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night