[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
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By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
“i am a sweet baby”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I’ve had relationships like this
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good