Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
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Welcome
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no