Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again