Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
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{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Worth remembering.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Born to be mild.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Terribly Tuesday.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.