[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
You Might Also Like
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I am yelling
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I just stopped by to water my horse.