[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
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If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
me and the Superbowl rn
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]