*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
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The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.