[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
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Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.