[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
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Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.