Answers phone, makes modem noises…
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Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
mom gave me mine for free
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries