@WestofCrazy: Answers phone, makes modem noises...
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@joshgondelman: "At least you're going to get a lot of material out of this," is comedian-speak for, "Sorry about your life, dude."
@BackrowSeats: If you can't be with the one you love then be with the one who has the best cable package.
@TFriss: If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.