Answers phone, makes modem noises…
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My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.