Answers phone, makes modem noises…
You Might Also Like
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.