[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
2022 be like
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”