ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
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[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Europe. Made in Germany.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.