ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
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My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I created you as mosquito food.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”