ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
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Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Love is always patient and kind.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no