ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
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Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.