[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
You Might Also Like
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
My biological clock is wheezing.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
no regrets
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Pringles
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.