[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
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“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Happy Thanksgiving
How to woo a woman
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!