Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
You Might Also Like
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.