Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
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I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.