Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
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YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
So we got a goldfish…
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
The answer is funnier than the question
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.