@leehopkins: Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don't turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
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@internetluke: [showing my family to coworker] This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack. "You named your daughter Jack?" Nope, mittens
@MikeBigby: [Airport security supervillain screening] AGENT: Spell 'haha' ME: OK, 'M',-- AGENT: ur under arrest
@Matt_the_1st: If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, "Wanna go clubbing?"
@jmhuntsinger: Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn't the first time you've failed in life.