@aRealLiveGhost: anti-tattoo people saying "my body's a temple" like they wouldn't worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
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@mallelis: we put a man on the moon but we can't keep him there. he keeps coming back. you stay on the moon. you stay there.
@Parkerlawyer: Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, "I love you too!" while hanging out of the sunroof. Me, 1 Kids, 0
@daemonic3: [on phone] "Press 1 if you're a huge nerd" "Press 2 if you're a virgin" "Press 3 if y-" STOP TALKING, DAD! I'm trying to call Xbox support
@77StephanieG77: I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage.... So now I know why zombies walk like they do.