anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
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“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing