[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
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A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Jesus Christ lmao
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
“The Perfect Relationship”
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?