@sploosk: ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
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@Tups13: "Of course you can trust me. Look, I'll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I'll catch you." *Bing! Twitter notification!* Thud.
@3sunzzz: Airport security doesn't let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, "It's okay, I'm just a harmless alcoholic."
@michaelajeffery: ME: Why does my stomach hurt? WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.