ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
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My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given