ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
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When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!