Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
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Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!