Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
You Might Also Like
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.