[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
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maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.