Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
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I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata