@MikeZakarian: Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
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@dafloydsta: ME: Hey they're playing our song. HER: This isn't our song. ME: [turning up "Go Your Own Way"] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
@SharpeBytes: A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don't worry she's dead now
@ThisOneSayz: *Standing in my shower* I wasn't being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
@novicefather: This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me. That's the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.