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Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Breaking news:
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE