Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
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Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.