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@CulturedRuffian: Any bar is a karaoke bar if you're drunk enough.
@better_off_dad: 'Let's just agree to disagree.'
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
@thatdutchperson: Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I'm having lunch behind the couch.
@funnyoneliners: When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it.
@hazelmotes1: Pink Camouflage: for when you go pheasant hunting on the old cotton candy plantation.
@DaddyJew: Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we've had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!