any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
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I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench