Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
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Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
just having fun
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.