Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
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My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Unimpressed
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Good point.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
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