Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
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Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Wait a second…
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers