Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
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I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do