Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
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The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.